I think my vagina is haunted
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize