I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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