The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
