i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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