Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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