I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
