I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
