Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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