i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
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