i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
