I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
