You smell like stripper and shame
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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