woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
