You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
