I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
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