Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
