I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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