I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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