Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
