No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
