What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
