So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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