Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
