I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
