Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
