i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
