Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize