if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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