I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
