I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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