i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize