I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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