He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
