remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you didnt know i had herpes?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
