remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
