you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Randomize
