These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
