I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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