I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
