I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
