Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
