I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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