No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
