My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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