I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
whose parrot is this?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
