I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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