GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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