Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
