Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
