she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
