I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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