This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
