Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
