i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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