i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize