Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
