whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
