I just saw a hot homeless man
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
