I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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