??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize